Get out of the boat

I took this picture on my phone. I can't even express how happy it makes me. I've always loved boats. Someday I want to own a boat like this and maybe live on it. No joke. Anyway, I grew up with boats and skiing and wakeboarding. It's kind of terrifying--skimming along on the water behind a boat knowing that at any moment you could hit a wave go crashing down (which sometimes HURTS, let me tell you). But still, it's awesome. You don't get the rush if you don't get out of the boat. Falling doesn't matter.

Sometimes God speaks to me through themes and this one has been on my mind a lot lately. It's the story of Jesus walking on the water.

It's stormy, the disciples are out in the boat and Jesus is on the shore, and then suddenly they notice something. Someone starts singing, "oh here comes Jesus, see him walking on the water..." Okay, probably not because actually they're scared to death. But then Peter (Peter, who we love because he often does and says stupid things--things that maybe WE would see ourselves doing) says "Hey, if that's you Jesus, then tell me to come out there with you." And Jesus says, "Come on in, the water's fine!" So Peter leaps out of the boat and miraculously starts walking. But then, of course, he freaks out because, you know, people aren't really supposed to walk on water. Then he starts to sink and screams for help, and Jesus grabs him and scolds him, and they get back in the boat with a really interesting story to tell at parties.

Anyway, the point of this story, as I'm usually told, is that Peter took his eyes of Jesus and he shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have doubted. But he still gets props for getting out of the boat.

I don't disagree with this interpretation. I just think it's incomplete. See, my problem with getting out of the boat is not that I doubt Jesus...it's that I doubt myself. I don't trust myself not to look away. When have I EVER kept my eyes on Jesus consistently? It makes you not want to get out of the boat. Knowing your own inadequacy. Knowing that you'll doubt. Knowing that you'll sink...

But...that's not the point. The point isn't that Peter doubted, or that Peter started to sink. The point is that Jesus rescued him. If Peter had been more consistent in his faith, maybe he would have walked farther, longer. But eventually a moment would have come that his faith would waver. We all have those moments.
We shouldn't try to put our confidence in our own faith. We should put our confidence in Jesus's ability to save us, even from ourselves. THAT'S where the faith to get out of the boat should come from.

Hope

Yesterday I made a resolution to hope in my dreams even though they are impossible. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and I'm not sure if I'll stay here, but I hope I will. What do I mean by all of this? Well, some corners of my soul need to remain my own, so I'll explain generally as best I can.

I feel like I have been suffering and it feels pointless and hopeless. What makes it even worse is that with my studies and everything, I'm also learning about how badly other people are suffering in ways that are much much worse than me. And looking at this and the problems of the world, it seems doubly hopeless. It should minimize my own small problems, right? But instead it makes me think that if there is no hope for little old me, of course there is no hope for the world. None of it is the way it should be and there is very little I can do to change it. Suffering, I get--I mean, it happens, right? Bad things happen, but they happen for a reason. The trouble is that I can't find a reason and God refuses to answer me when I ask him for anything--for help, for answers, for comfort, really just for some kind of acknowledgment.

I've been reading Job. I hate to my compare myself to Job. Job was righteous and he suffered inexplicably--I don't claim to be as righteous as Job. Maybe my suffering is a result of sin. I'm not really sure. I think if it was, it would probably be more obvious than it is. But anyway, I like reading Job and I think some of the concepts apply. Job's friends told him that he must have sinned and he should repent, but Job knew that he hadn't. However, Job did basically despair to the point of death because he didn't understand why so many awful things were happening to him. I realize (and my study Bible confirmed) that reason Job's situation was so hard was because he didn't understand why. If all of those things had happened and God had explained what was going on, Job's suffering would not have been nearly so intense. But that is the point. When we know why things are happening, we can weather it. Lack of understanding is probably the greatest challenge. God wants us to trust him even when he appears to be destroying us for no good reason. As my Bible put it, he wants us to trust in him for himself, not for what he has done for us. Ack. Ugh. That is impossibly hard. It might be impossible. I'm not sure.

I'm actually not sure where I was going with all that, but I'll come back to my original point. I choose to hope in the impossible. I know what my heart wants and no amount of convincing myself can make it budge. No amount of crying, feeling defeated, and just being wailed on by life has made any difference or changed my dreams in any way. And it hurts like hell, it really does. But at the same time, God can do the impossible. So I choose hope, because the alternative is despair and despair leads to death. Even if what I hope for does not come about, it doesn't make that hope in vain because God has better plans. That's the point. The hope is in God, not in circumstances and not in myself. I am absolutely powerless.

I've questioned my decision to hope ever since I made it, mostly because looking around it just seems pointless. Trusting God like that can't really happen, I don't think. I mean, it would take a minor miracle to trust God through all this. Which means that I will fail, but hopefully he will be there at every point of failure to pick me up and dust me off and put me back on my way again. I don't really know what else to say about this. I feel like a fool, but this is the only way.

How Long?

How long does it take to get over someone? It's been almost a year and my feelings haven't changed. The circumstances have--drastically. But my heart has stubbornly refused to budge. I don't know what it means. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Is getting over someone just a matter of time, or is there some magic thing I'm supposed to do? I've tried everything I can think of. I told myself it's over. I told myself to move on. I've tried being friends with him and it hurts like hell. I've tried cutting him out of my life, but even when I never see or talk to him, nothing changes. I've tried dating other people but I feel nothing. I've prayed over this constantly, and God hasn't given me any answers either. I never had the moment I was supposed to have--the one where you realize why that person is all wrong for you and even though it hurts, you understand why it had to end. I never got that. It's still a big unanswered question. I don't mind being single and I'm not afraid of being alone--even forever. But I'm terrified of forever loving someone who doesn't love me back.

The Walruses are Dying

Once upon a long long time...

I stood in a rainforest on top of a mountain in Costa Rica. It was damp and a little cloudy. During the climb up, the terrain had changed from grassy to rocky to a lush jungle with birds and trees, vines to swing on and a sleepy sloth hanging from a tree near the path, looking at us reproachfully. Before this moment, I hated hiking. Occasionally, my parents would drag me out on one trail or another and I would begrudgingly follow them for miles hardly looking at the scenery. But after Costa Rica, I couldn't get enough of the outdoors. On that mountain, I experienced pure joy and contentment--the kind that comes from time spent with friends, physical accomplishment, and marveling at nature and the God who created it. Since that time, God has used nature as a gentle and ever-present reminder to me of his power and his love. I have had days of driving around Seattle in tears and despair, when suddenly I'll come to the top of a hill and catch a glimpse of the mountains, the water, a sunset, and come face to face with the inescapable beauty of the world and presence of God.

I am not a tree-hugger. I grew up in a town with an economy centered around paper mills. I appreciate the fact that you have to cut down some trees for that. Progress means that you're going to dam some rivers, pollute some atmosphere, and step on a few paws for the sake of advancing humanity. I wouldn't put the environment over human security. However, there must be a balance. What a tragedy it would be to live in such a beautiful corner of the world and not appreciate it! The earth is here for us--not for us to exploit and destroy, but to use and treasure. There are ways to both use and conserve--to be a just a little more mindful and a little more careful about the things we do that are slowly and consistently destroying the planet. I think that we will destroy the planet eventually, but I hope we can make it last just a litte longer. A few more years of unspoiled forests, a few less species to marvel at before they disappear, a few more clean rivers to swim in.

Call me sentimental if you want. I'm becoming more so. Some time ago, I read a news blurb about the melting polar ice and the walruses who live on the ice flows. As the earth is getting warmer, the ice is getting smaller and the walruses are living in increasingly tight quarters. When something scares them--like a plane flying overhead--they all rush to the water and in their stampede, trample on and kill each other. If you had found me shortly after reading that article, there would have been tears in my eyes because the walruses are dying. It's hard to even explain why something like that moves me to tears and stories about war and human tragedy often leave me numb. Maybe it's because God has spoken to me so often through nature that it seems a little like taking a gift from him, throwing it down in the mud and stomping on it. Oh, and I'm guilty too. As guilty as anyone. Plenty of walrus blood on my hands.

This is really not a call to anything in particular other than awareness, and appreciation. There are always tradeoffs and we do the best we can. But once the walruses are gone, we will miss them.

The good things about college

I still have a great collection of random professor quotes. Most of these are from my classes, but some are contributed by other people. A few are classmate quotes. And some are just random quotes from Europe (because it was a study abroad, I consider the whole trip a classroom). Enjoy!

“I like to write that “F” word on the board and just leave it there.”
-Dr. Thorpe

“What is bullshit?”
-Dr. Vokos, talking about a book by the same name.

“Hitler engaged the culture! Hitler changed the world!”
-Dr. Neuhouser on SPU’s motto (Engaging the culture, changing the world)

“And Tycho says, ‘Yeeeeah baby!’”
-Dr. Stiling

“Do we want to spontaneously generate Mexican hats?”
-Dr. Vokos (the correct answer is, “no, we do not”)

“We are God’s logical sheep”
-Dr. Vokos

“If the Grinch comes and destroys the sun, we will not know for 8.5 minutes.”
-Dr. Vokos

"Did you know that ants herd cows?"
-Dr. Amorose

"My muse can beat up your muse!"
-Dr. Amorose

"I love hell."
-Dr. Amorose

Dr. Amorose: When does the nightingale sing?
Student: At night?
Dr. Amorose: That's the stupidest question I've ever asked

"Would someone like to be Satan?"
-Dr. Amorose

"Can someone ever seduce you without your consent? It depends on how much ecstacy you take."
-Dr. Amorose

"In Ken and Barbie land they'll always have the yogurt they like."
-Dr. Amorose

"Remember guys, we have penises, but babies can't direct them."
-Dr. Smyth

"Felt boards are going to be here until Jesus comes and I'm convinced they'll be here after He leaves."
-Dr. Smyth

"Pornography would be like transparencies to flip through or something"
-Goggans, talking about what it would be like if girls were "into" invisible guys

"Who said murder was wrong? Well, the people who don't want to be murdered."
-Prof. T. (aka Goggans)

"I'm going to make a question on the test 'what is the most beautiful car in the world: a, b, c, d....' and the answer is going to be b: the Mini Cooper."
-Prof. Goggans

Mr. Marsh (pointing to his tie, which had a trumpet on it): This is the instrument that I played all through high school. Trumpet players have a certain attitude, and you know why? What was the instrument in Revelation at the end times? Was it the flute shall sound? No. Was it the clarinet shall weep? No. No one said anything about the Oboe. It was the trumpet shall sound.
Student: And what other instrument could cause the end of the world?

"Oh no! My cat has free will. But I'm a dog lover so I won't even touch that one."
-Dr. MacDonald

"When the words the author used aren't even the words the author used."
-Dr. MacDonald

"He's probably the best pope ever. I wouldn't know though- I'm not Catholic."
-Dr. MacDonald

"I think this is all related to what I like to call evil."
-Dr. MacDonald

"Know that evil is there, but don't let it lead you to jumping off Fremont bridge."
-Dr. MacDonald

"I'm not saying look fit or YOU'LL DIE."
-Dr. MacDonald

"Most of the books on the Safeway shelves are probably written by guys who don't know what love is."
-Dr. MacDonald

"How this all fits I do not know."
-Dr. MacDonald

"I'm not here to tell you water isn't good. I love water. I don't want to live my life without water, but I could do it. Water that you swim in because I love water."
-Dr. MacDonald

"This guy is ticked off about two things: his books aren't selling and philosophy's not popular."
-Dr. MacDonald )he said this about himself)

"It started out good didn't it? Like perfect. Like paradise."
-Dr. MacDonald (about Genesis 1, 2 & 3)

"Let's go get a birthday party and have a radical birthday party."
-Dr. Smyth

"I'm the male muse. I bring the mail in every day."
-Dr. Amorose

"They stood over this nozzle and had this stuff called 'soap' that they smeared all over their bodies and thought it was getting them clean, but really it was a cause of cancer."- Dr. Amorose (what people will say about our culture in the future)

"Maybe Reinsma will end up in limbo."
-Dr. Amorose

"Food chain...food strain...food system...food stream!"
-Dr. Amorose

Student: Beelzebub. Who is Zebub?
Amorose: I don't know. I think he played for the Mets.

"All these figures are nude under their clothing in the same way all of us are nude under our clothing."
-Dr. Caldwell

"He who lacks discipline is a crappy person."
-Another Dr. Smythism

"What if when we get to heaven Jesus has a mullet?"
-Dr. Smyth

"For the play (Antigone) to really be universal they'd have to do it naked, but that wouldn't go over well here at SPU. They probably didn't even think about that, well they might have, but really I don't know anything."
-Prof. Macdonald

"Only 2 or 3 more years and you'll all start to die."
-Prof. Macdonald

"Say it twice- Plenary Session. It's a good word, not too hard."
-Prof. Macdonald

"I could go off in French and that really would be a tangement. (yes, he said tangement)"
-Prof. Macdonald

"I don't want you to take me seriously and think I'm prejudice, although I probably am."
-Prof. Macdonald

"It can banish you to different houses, like Griffindor or Enumclaw."
-Goggans, on Harry Potter and the Sorting Hat

"Sex needs to be orderly... now, that does not mean get out the metronome!"
-Prof. Goggans

"When you have a baby, two things come to mind. The first is, 'Oh my.' The second is, 'Oh shit!'"
-Dr. Steele (ordained minister)

"Actually, my son looks a lot like Isaac Newton."
-Dr. Steele

"I don't really like 'seekers.' They like angels and Precious Moments and 'What Would Jesus Do?'...What would Jesus do? Jesus would kick your ass."
-Prof. Wolfe

"A strong mother/weak father can lead to hating men just as much as a strong domineering father can lead to hating men. In fact, it's just easy to hate men."
-Prof. Wolfe

"I have never met someone who wasn't an American who actually liked BBQ sauce."
Prof. Klein

“If you put a dog in the dryer and you open the door, what happens? They jump out and they bite you!”
-Dr. Trzyna

To student when she came in late and didn’t realize we were all sitting in a circle: “We’re in a circle. You know when an egg is fertilized and there’s this little bloody spot in the middle? That’s you.”
-Dr. Trzyna

“My job is to say vague things about all of this.”
-Dr. McDonald

“God may have created the universe and all of our memories 15 minutes ago and we’d have no way of knowing”
-Dr. Congden

Aleya: I don’t have the spirit
Pierce: Is your soul the same as Matt’s spirit?
Ben: I have two souls

“There’s no brain state like the voting state!”
-Dr. McDonald

“Non-reductionist physicalism is Murphy…Murphy, Brown…Green. It’d be fun to have Candice Bergen here to defend it.”
-Dr. McDonald

“You can do all sorts of things…run around, get tired, enjoy pizza…disembodied souls don’t do those sorts of things.”
-Dr. McDonald

Dr. Chaney: It’s like the Rolling Stones—people who live off their earlier glory for 40 years…I’m not making any kind of current statement here…
Laura: You should be.
Dr. Chaney: …I mean, Mick Jagger is the same age as my mother—My mother! And I’m 40!

"Professors are dangerous. Don’t listen to them!"
-Dr. Chaney

"If God’s the only thing that’s good, then how is my hamburger good?”
-Prof. Bacon

Dr. Reinsma on finding about 15 of us reading in the yellow room in Wales in the evening: "Oh! I don't know whether to feel guilty or pleased..." Pause. "There's a pub next door."

Robin: I'm going to get my scrotum pierced.
Someone: Really?
Robin: No.
Us: That sounds so painful!
Robin: Honestly, your scrotum doesn't have many nerve endings.
Kristi, wide-eyed: How do you know?
Robin: Because I have one.

Janelle to me on the street in Dublin: I want to get a candy bar
Old man in street: Shut up you fucking asshole! [kicks her]
Janelle after we'd passed: That man just kicked me!
Me: You just got kicked by a schitzophrenic Irish man!

Nick, after arriving late to dinner because he was sleeping: We stayed in that bar for a loooong time.
Reinsma: Oh, that's why you slept so long!
Nick: Yeah......wait, NO!

"Mick Jagger looks like Gollum, actually."
-Prof. Suzanne Wolfe

"I'm like, bloody English, I hate them. I hate the English! I want to go home."
-Suzanne Wolfe (She is British)

Suzanne: Yeah I lived in Kansas.
Meguire: My Grandma lives in Massachusettes.
Suzanne: Massachusettes?
Meguire: Never mind. It made sense in my head.

"They have her head on the altar...she needs some moisturizer, but she was a really beautiful woman and you can tell. Really good bone structure...anyway, the point of this is that she looks a lot better than Aristotle would look."
-Suzanne on the church of St. Catherine of Sienna

"If ever I was canonized as a saint and they had a little glass box for me, you know what they'd preserve? My middle finger."
-Suzanne Wolfe

Kristi on drinks: "It was typical: I had a glass of white wine, Mark had a pint of beer, and Yoshi had a double shot of vodka."

Kristi, Mark, and Yoshi on pasties
Mark: I like the kind with meat inside.
Kristi: I like the kind with apple.
Yoshi: I like the kind made from crushed up smurfs.

"I once saw Janelle inhale a pigeon.
-Yoshi


"Once these two flies flew into my eye, mated, and then baby flies came out of my eye."
-Yoshi

"Well, this is kind of funny...but not funny like 'chopping off your head with a pen knife' funny."
-Suzanne about A Handful of Dust. (She was being serious that chopping your head off with a pen knife would be funny.)

"Prostitutes don't kiss on the mouth because it's too intimate...and because they don't want to get diseases."
-Suzanne (because that's the only way a prostitute could get a disease)

"I don't think we should go to Morocco because I'd get in a knife fight defending you and I'd lose because I don't have a knife."
-Dylan in Spain

Five

I was thinking about this idea way back when I had to write my personal mission statement (which is posted on my facebook). These are five areas of calling on my life. I don't know if I really like the term "calling," but I'll use it for lack of a better term. Also, I don't think these are the end-all be-all, but they're just the current things that seem to be somehow important.

Writing I've always had a thing for narrative. I used to want to be a writer, but somehow thought that had to be writing fiction, which I enjoy but don't seem to be particularly good at. Lately since I've been back in school, I've just realized that I HAVE to write. I just have to. Whatever that means, I'm pretty sure it's my destiny. Haha, my professor basically told me so too, so it's not just me.

Church I'm not sure if this is my spiritual gift or what, but I just have sense for things that are wrong with the church...like the church as a whole. They get under my skin...

Money I have a very strong sense of responsibility when it comes to money. Like if God keeps giving it to me, I have to make sure I put it to good use. I'm also a big fan of tithing.

Administration I'm good at administration. As in, I'm good with details, order, procedure, managing projects, etc.

Social Justice I think God calls us to respond to injustice in the world. What does that have to do with me? Well, I'm trying to figure that out...

Fundamentalism: Well-put Brian McLaren!

"Fundamentalist religious movements...take words spoken five hundred or fourteen hundred or two thousand or fourteen hundred years ago and apply them, sharia-style, asa if they were intended to serve as today's annotated legal code, todays' constitution, today's how-to manual. They underestimate how the original words and teachings were situated--how deeply their sacred texts were rooted in gritty contemporary problems and human social contexts; instead, they see their sacred texts as timeless, placeless utterances coming from an arid, Platonic plane of universal abstractions.

And these fundamentalist movements also underestimate how equally situated their own interpretations and applications are. They don't recognize how movements and countermovements swirl around sacred texts like currents in a river, or how those shifting currents influnece their interpretations and appliations at every turn."