Love and Marriage (go together like a...)

We just had Valentine's day, so what the heck, I'll be vulnerable...

I have this problem balancing my head and my heart. I have a feeling that it is either going to get me into real romantic trouble, or going to cause me to be single forever.

I always thought of myself as a little bit cynical in the love department. I don't think this comes from a lack of successful relationships--I think it's just my intensely practical, logical side coming out. I always said that I didn't believe in soulmates and that there is not one perfect person out there for you. I do believe that God has a plan and that if you are supposed to get married, he has someone that he intends you to be with. But it's not just click you find that person and it's perfect. People fall out of love everyday. By the way, everyone should read Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages before getting married. Heck, everyone should read Gary Chapman, period. It seriously changed my life. But anyway, he is a marriage counselor, and he talks about those glorious "in love" feelings that give you butterflies. They wear off after a while and if you're not solid and committed to working on your marriage, well, that's the point where some people lose interest and go off and seek other people. That approach, at least the way that I often describe it, sounds really unromantic. But let's face facts. Something like 50% of marriages end in divorce. How do you avoid that and have a happy one? I think Chapman is on to something, which is why I take him seriously. If I ever do get married, I intend it to be permanent, so I have to bring that element of practicality into it. I have to.

All of that said, I'm afraid that I'm a little more of a romantic idealist than I thought before. I'm not sure if I can be a practical cynic and a romantic idealist at the same time, but I'm certainly going to try. See here's my thing: I want to be crazy about the guy that I'm with. I want to be madly in love. I want to be so in love that it would be devastating if it ends. I'm amazed now that I can actually say that because it did end, and it was devastating--moreso than I ever anticipated. And maybe I regret a lot of it, but not the being in love part. That wasn't fake, and I'm not willing to get into something again until I at least feel that much if not more. Wow, and the chapmanesque side of me says that those were just feelings that never would not have naturally lasted anyway. If I can find a nice guy now, who I like and could learn to love, who is decent and good and cares about me, I have just as much chance at a happy marriage as anyone. And the kicker is that I totally believe that! I mean, if arranged marriages can work, then the scenario that I described above can certainly work. I just don't want it. If I JUST wanted to be married and that was the goal (and that is a fine goal, and there is nothing wrong with that goal) I think I would go there. There are more important things than sexual attraction. Committment, support, a Christ-centered relationship, shared values. But I'm not going to go there. Beause don't JUST want to be married. I don't want it at all if I can't HAVE it all. Being single is too great to give up without being compelled. Without caring so much that you just can't help it, can't not be with them. And you know what, that's OKAY. Being alone forever is OKAY. Jesus said, "whoever can accept this should" (rough quote). Paul said that he wished all men could be single as he is and that those who decide to marry do well, but those who decide not to do better. I'm not doing anything wrong.

I'm not committing myself to a lifetime of singleness. I'd like to be with someone. I'd love to be married. I think I'd be good at being married, and I've been praying for a while for someone who will be a partner to me. God understands what I mean by that, even if you don't. But I'm hyper-demanding because I don't just want the person who is my best friend, equally committed to serving God, and has all those qualities that I think are important, etc. I also want chemistry. Lots of it.

So here's to another Valentine's Day alone. Here's to loving being single and never never settling.