Get out of the boat

I took this picture on my phone. I can't even express how happy it makes me. I've always loved boats. Someday I want to own a boat like this and maybe live on it. No joke. Anyway, I grew up with boats and skiing and wakeboarding. It's kind of terrifying--skimming along on the water behind a boat knowing that at any moment you could hit a wave go crashing down (which sometimes HURTS, let me tell you). But still, it's awesome. You don't get the rush if you don't get out of the boat. Falling doesn't matter.

Sometimes God speaks to me through themes and this one has been on my mind a lot lately. It's the story of Jesus walking on the water.

It's stormy, the disciples are out in the boat and Jesus is on the shore, and then suddenly they notice something. Someone starts singing, "oh here comes Jesus, see him walking on the water..." Okay, probably not because actually they're scared to death. But then Peter (Peter, who we love because he often does and says stupid things--things that maybe WE would see ourselves doing) says "Hey, if that's you Jesus, then tell me to come out there with you." And Jesus says, "Come on in, the water's fine!" So Peter leaps out of the boat and miraculously starts walking. But then, of course, he freaks out because, you know, people aren't really supposed to walk on water. Then he starts to sink and screams for help, and Jesus grabs him and scolds him, and they get back in the boat with a really interesting story to tell at parties.

Anyway, the point of this story, as I'm usually told, is that Peter took his eyes of Jesus and he shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have doubted. But he still gets props for getting out of the boat.

I don't disagree with this interpretation. I just think it's incomplete. See, my problem with getting out of the boat is not that I doubt Jesus...it's that I doubt myself. I don't trust myself not to look away. When have I EVER kept my eyes on Jesus consistently? It makes you not want to get out of the boat. Knowing your own inadequacy. Knowing that you'll doubt. Knowing that you'll sink...

But...that's not the point. The point isn't that Peter doubted, or that Peter started to sink. The point is that Jesus rescued him. If Peter had been more consistent in his faith, maybe he would have walked farther, longer. But eventually a moment would have come that his faith would waver. We all have those moments.
We shouldn't try to put our confidence in our own faith. We should put our confidence in Jesus's ability to save us, even from ourselves. THAT'S where the faith to get out of the boat should come from.

Hope

Yesterday I made a resolution to hope in my dreams even though they are impossible. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and I'm not sure if I'll stay here, but I hope I will. What do I mean by all of this? Well, some corners of my soul need to remain my own, so I'll explain generally as best I can.

I feel like I have been suffering and it feels pointless and hopeless. What makes it even worse is that with my studies and everything, I'm also learning about how badly other people are suffering in ways that are much much worse than me. And looking at this and the problems of the world, it seems doubly hopeless. It should minimize my own small problems, right? But instead it makes me think that if there is no hope for little old me, of course there is no hope for the world. None of it is the way it should be and there is very little I can do to change it. Suffering, I get--I mean, it happens, right? Bad things happen, but they happen for a reason. The trouble is that I can't find a reason and God refuses to answer me when I ask him for anything--for help, for answers, for comfort, really just for some kind of acknowledgment.

I've been reading Job. I hate to my compare myself to Job. Job was righteous and he suffered inexplicably--I don't claim to be as righteous as Job. Maybe my suffering is a result of sin. I'm not really sure. I think if it was, it would probably be more obvious than it is. But anyway, I like reading Job and I think some of the concepts apply. Job's friends told him that he must have sinned and he should repent, but Job knew that he hadn't. However, Job did basically despair to the point of death because he didn't understand why so many awful things were happening to him. I realize (and my study Bible confirmed) that reason Job's situation was so hard was because he didn't understand why. If all of those things had happened and God had explained what was going on, Job's suffering would not have been nearly so intense. But that is the point. When we know why things are happening, we can weather it. Lack of understanding is probably the greatest challenge. God wants us to trust him even when he appears to be destroying us for no good reason. As my Bible put it, he wants us to trust in him for himself, not for what he has done for us. Ack. Ugh. That is impossibly hard. It might be impossible. I'm not sure.

I'm actually not sure where I was going with all that, but I'll come back to my original point. I choose to hope in the impossible. I know what my heart wants and no amount of convincing myself can make it budge. No amount of crying, feeling defeated, and just being wailed on by life has made any difference or changed my dreams in any way. And it hurts like hell, it really does. But at the same time, God can do the impossible. So I choose hope, because the alternative is despair and despair leads to death. Even if what I hope for does not come about, it doesn't make that hope in vain because God has better plans. That's the point. The hope is in God, not in circumstances and not in myself. I am absolutely powerless.

I've questioned my decision to hope ever since I made it, mostly because looking around it just seems pointless. Trusting God like that can't really happen, I don't think. I mean, it would take a minor miracle to trust God through all this. Which means that I will fail, but hopefully he will be there at every point of failure to pick me up and dust me off and put me back on my way again. I don't really know what else to say about this. I feel like a fool, but this is the only way.

How Long?

How long does it take to get over someone? It's been almost a year and my feelings haven't changed. The circumstances have--drastically. But my heart has stubbornly refused to budge. I don't know what it means. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Is getting over someone just a matter of time, or is there some magic thing I'm supposed to do? I've tried everything I can think of. I told myself it's over. I told myself to move on. I've tried being friends with him and it hurts like hell. I've tried cutting him out of my life, but even when I never see or talk to him, nothing changes. I've tried dating other people but I feel nothing. I've prayed over this constantly, and God hasn't given me any answers either. I never had the moment I was supposed to have--the one where you realize why that person is all wrong for you and even though it hurts, you understand why it had to end. I never got that. It's still a big unanswered question. I don't mind being single and I'm not afraid of being alone--even forever. But I'm terrified of forever loving someone who doesn't love me back.

The Walruses are Dying

Once upon a long long time...

I stood in a rainforest on top of a mountain in Costa Rica. It was damp and a little cloudy. During the climb up, the terrain had changed from grassy to rocky to a lush jungle with birds and trees, vines to swing on and a sleepy sloth hanging from a tree near the path, looking at us reproachfully. Before this moment, I hated hiking. Occasionally, my parents would drag me out on one trail or another and I would begrudgingly follow them for miles hardly looking at the scenery. But after Costa Rica, I couldn't get enough of the outdoors. On that mountain, I experienced pure joy and contentment--the kind that comes from time spent with friends, physical accomplishment, and marveling at nature and the God who created it. Since that time, God has used nature as a gentle and ever-present reminder to me of his power and his love. I have had days of driving around Seattle in tears and despair, when suddenly I'll come to the top of a hill and catch a glimpse of the mountains, the water, a sunset, and come face to face with the inescapable beauty of the world and presence of God.

I am not a tree-hugger. I grew up in a town with an economy centered around paper mills. I appreciate the fact that you have to cut down some trees for that. Progress means that you're going to dam some rivers, pollute some atmosphere, and step on a few paws for the sake of advancing humanity. I wouldn't put the environment over human security. However, there must be a balance. What a tragedy it would be to live in such a beautiful corner of the world and not appreciate it! The earth is here for us--not for us to exploit and destroy, but to use and treasure. There are ways to both use and conserve--to be a just a little more mindful and a little more careful about the things we do that are slowly and consistently destroying the planet. I think that we will destroy the planet eventually, but I hope we can make it last just a litte longer. A few more years of unspoiled forests, a few less species to marvel at before they disappear, a few more clean rivers to swim in.

Call me sentimental if you want. I'm becoming more so. Some time ago, I read a news blurb about the melting polar ice and the walruses who live on the ice flows. As the earth is getting warmer, the ice is getting smaller and the walruses are living in increasingly tight quarters. When something scares them--like a plane flying overhead--they all rush to the water and in their stampede, trample on and kill each other. If you had found me shortly after reading that article, there would have been tears in my eyes because the walruses are dying. It's hard to even explain why something like that moves me to tears and stories about war and human tragedy often leave me numb. Maybe it's because God has spoken to me so often through nature that it seems a little like taking a gift from him, throwing it down in the mud and stomping on it. Oh, and I'm guilty too. As guilty as anyone. Plenty of walrus blood on my hands.

This is really not a call to anything in particular other than awareness, and appreciation. There are always tradeoffs and we do the best we can. But once the walruses are gone, we will miss them.

The good things about college

I still have a great collection of random professor quotes. Most of these are from my classes, but some are contributed by other people. A few are classmate quotes. And some are just random quotes from Europe (because it was a study abroad, I consider the whole trip a classroom). Enjoy!

“I like to write that “F” word on the board and just leave it there.”
-Dr. Thorpe

“What is bullshit?”
-Dr. Vokos, talking about a book by the same name.

“Hitler engaged the culture! Hitler changed the world!”
-Dr. Neuhouser on SPU’s motto (Engaging the culture, changing the world)

“And Tycho says, ‘Yeeeeah baby!’”
-Dr. Stiling

“Do we want to spontaneously generate Mexican hats?”
-Dr. Vokos (the correct answer is, “no, we do not”)

“We are God’s logical sheep”
-Dr. Vokos

“If the Grinch comes and destroys the sun, we will not know for 8.5 minutes.”
-Dr. Vokos

"Did you know that ants herd cows?"
-Dr. Amorose

"My muse can beat up your muse!"
-Dr. Amorose

"I love hell."
-Dr. Amorose

Dr. Amorose: When does the nightingale sing?
Student: At night?
Dr. Amorose: That's the stupidest question I've ever asked

"Would someone like to be Satan?"
-Dr. Amorose

"Can someone ever seduce you without your consent? It depends on how much ecstacy you take."
-Dr. Amorose

"In Ken and Barbie land they'll always have the yogurt they like."
-Dr. Amorose

"Remember guys, we have penises, but babies can't direct them."
-Dr. Smyth

"Felt boards are going to be here until Jesus comes and I'm convinced they'll be here after He leaves."
-Dr. Smyth

"Pornography would be like transparencies to flip through or something"
-Goggans, talking about what it would be like if girls were "into" invisible guys

"Who said murder was wrong? Well, the people who don't want to be murdered."
-Prof. T. (aka Goggans)

"I'm going to make a question on the test 'what is the most beautiful car in the world: a, b, c, d....' and the answer is going to be b: the Mini Cooper."
-Prof. Goggans

Mr. Marsh (pointing to his tie, which had a trumpet on it): This is the instrument that I played all through high school. Trumpet players have a certain attitude, and you know why? What was the instrument in Revelation at the end times? Was it the flute shall sound? No. Was it the clarinet shall weep? No. No one said anything about the Oboe. It was the trumpet shall sound.
Student: And what other instrument could cause the end of the world?

"Oh no! My cat has free will. But I'm a dog lover so I won't even touch that one."
-Dr. MacDonald

"When the words the author used aren't even the words the author used."
-Dr. MacDonald

"He's probably the best pope ever. I wouldn't know though- I'm not Catholic."
-Dr. MacDonald

"I think this is all related to what I like to call evil."
-Dr. MacDonald

"Know that evil is there, but don't let it lead you to jumping off Fremont bridge."
-Dr. MacDonald

"I'm not saying look fit or YOU'LL DIE."
-Dr. MacDonald

"Most of the books on the Safeway shelves are probably written by guys who don't know what love is."
-Dr. MacDonald

"How this all fits I do not know."
-Dr. MacDonald

"I'm not here to tell you water isn't good. I love water. I don't want to live my life without water, but I could do it. Water that you swim in because I love water."
-Dr. MacDonald

"This guy is ticked off about two things: his books aren't selling and philosophy's not popular."
-Dr. MacDonald )he said this about himself)

"It started out good didn't it? Like perfect. Like paradise."
-Dr. MacDonald (about Genesis 1, 2 & 3)

"Let's go get a birthday party and have a radical birthday party."
-Dr. Smyth

"I'm the male muse. I bring the mail in every day."
-Dr. Amorose

"They stood over this nozzle and had this stuff called 'soap' that they smeared all over their bodies and thought it was getting them clean, but really it was a cause of cancer."- Dr. Amorose (what people will say about our culture in the future)

"Maybe Reinsma will end up in limbo."
-Dr. Amorose

"Food chain...food strain...food system...food stream!"
-Dr. Amorose

Student: Beelzebub. Who is Zebub?
Amorose: I don't know. I think he played for the Mets.

"All these figures are nude under their clothing in the same way all of us are nude under our clothing."
-Dr. Caldwell

"He who lacks discipline is a crappy person."
-Another Dr. Smythism

"What if when we get to heaven Jesus has a mullet?"
-Dr. Smyth

"For the play (Antigone) to really be universal they'd have to do it naked, but that wouldn't go over well here at SPU. They probably didn't even think about that, well they might have, but really I don't know anything."
-Prof. Macdonald

"Only 2 or 3 more years and you'll all start to die."
-Prof. Macdonald

"Say it twice- Plenary Session. It's a good word, not too hard."
-Prof. Macdonald

"I could go off in French and that really would be a tangement. (yes, he said tangement)"
-Prof. Macdonald

"I don't want you to take me seriously and think I'm prejudice, although I probably am."
-Prof. Macdonald

"It can banish you to different houses, like Griffindor or Enumclaw."
-Goggans, on Harry Potter and the Sorting Hat

"Sex needs to be orderly... now, that does not mean get out the metronome!"
-Prof. Goggans

"When you have a baby, two things come to mind. The first is, 'Oh my.' The second is, 'Oh shit!'"
-Dr. Steele (ordained minister)

"Actually, my son looks a lot like Isaac Newton."
-Dr. Steele

"I don't really like 'seekers.' They like angels and Precious Moments and 'What Would Jesus Do?'...What would Jesus do? Jesus would kick your ass."
-Prof. Wolfe

"A strong mother/weak father can lead to hating men just as much as a strong domineering father can lead to hating men. In fact, it's just easy to hate men."
-Prof. Wolfe

"I have never met someone who wasn't an American who actually liked BBQ sauce."
Prof. Klein

“If you put a dog in the dryer and you open the door, what happens? They jump out and they bite you!”
-Dr. Trzyna

To student when she came in late and didn’t realize we were all sitting in a circle: “We’re in a circle. You know when an egg is fertilized and there’s this little bloody spot in the middle? That’s you.”
-Dr. Trzyna

“My job is to say vague things about all of this.”
-Dr. McDonald

“God may have created the universe and all of our memories 15 minutes ago and we’d have no way of knowing”
-Dr. Congden

Aleya: I don’t have the spirit
Pierce: Is your soul the same as Matt’s spirit?
Ben: I have two souls

“There’s no brain state like the voting state!”
-Dr. McDonald

“Non-reductionist physicalism is Murphy…Murphy, Brown…Green. It’d be fun to have Candice Bergen here to defend it.”
-Dr. McDonald

“You can do all sorts of things…run around, get tired, enjoy pizza…disembodied souls don’t do those sorts of things.”
-Dr. McDonald

Dr. Chaney: It’s like the Rolling Stones—people who live off their earlier glory for 40 years…I’m not making any kind of current statement here…
Laura: You should be.
Dr. Chaney: …I mean, Mick Jagger is the same age as my mother—My mother! And I’m 40!

"Professors are dangerous. Don’t listen to them!"
-Dr. Chaney

"If God’s the only thing that’s good, then how is my hamburger good?”
-Prof. Bacon

Dr. Reinsma on finding about 15 of us reading in the yellow room in Wales in the evening: "Oh! I don't know whether to feel guilty or pleased..." Pause. "There's a pub next door."

Robin: I'm going to get my scrotum pierced.
Someone: Really?
Robin: No.
Us: That sounds so painful!
Robin: Honestly, your scrotum doesn't have many nerve endings.
Kristi, wide-eyed: How do you know?
Robin: Because I have one.

Janelle to me on the street in Dublin: I want to get a candy bar
Old man in street: Shut up you fucking asshole! [kicks her]
Janelle after we'd passed: That man just kicked me!
Me: You just got kicked by a schitzophrenic Irish man!

Nick, after arriving late to dinner because he was sleeping: We stayed in that bar for a loooong time.
Reinsma: Oh, that's why you slept so long!
Nick: Yeah......wait, NO!

"Mick Jagger looks like Gollum, actually."
-Prof. Suzanne Wolfe

"I'm like, bloody English, I hate them. I hate the English! I want to go home."
-Suzanne Wolfe (She is British)

Suzanne: Yeah I lived in Kansas.
Meguire: My Grandma lives in Massachusettes.
Suzanne: Massachusettes?
Meguire: Never mind. It made sense in my head.

"They have her head on the altar...she needs some moisturizer, but she was a really beautiful woman and you can tell. Really good bone structure...anyway, the point of this is that she looks a lot better than Aristotle would look."
-Suzanne on the church of St. Catherine of Sienna

"If ever I was canonized as a saint and they had a little glass box for me, you know what they'd preserve? My middle finger."
-Suzanne Wolfe

Kristi on drinks: "It was typical: I had a glass of white wine, Mark had a pint of beer, and Yoshi had a double shot of vodka."

Kristi, Mark, and Yoshi on pasties
Mark: I like the kind with meat inside.
Kristi: I like the kind with apple.
Yoshi: I like the kind made from crushed up smurfs.

"I once saw Janelle inhale a pigeon.
-Yoshi


"Once these two flies flew into my eye, mated, and then baby flies came out of my eye."
-Yoshi

"Well, this is kind of funny...but not funny like 'chopping off your head with a pen knife' funny."
-Suzanne about A Handful of Dust. (She was being serious that chopping your head off with a pen knife would be funny.)

"Prostitutes don't kiss on the mouth because it's too intimate...and because they don't want to get diseases."
-Suzanne (because that's the only way a prostitute could get a disease)

"I don't think we should go to Morocco because I'd get in a knife fight defending you and I'd lose because I don't have a knife."
-Dylan in Spain

Five

I was thinking about this idea way back when I had to write my personal mission statement (which is posted on my facebook). These are five areas of calling on my life. I don't know if I really like the term "calling," but I'll use it for lack of a better term. Also, I don't think these are the end-all be-all, but they're just the current things that seem to be somehow important.

Writing I've always had a thing for narrative. I used to want to be a writer, but somehow thought that had to be writing fiction, which I enjoy but don't seem to be particularly good at. Lately since I've been back in school, I've just realized that I HAVE to write. I just have to. Whatever that means, I'm pretty sure it's my destiny. Haha, my professor basically told me so too, so it's not just me.

Church I'm not sure if this is my spiritual gift or what, but I just have sense for things that are wrong with the church...like the church as a whole. They get under my skin...

Money I have a very strong sense of responsibility when it comes to money. Like if God keeps giving it to me, I have to make sure I put it to good use. I'm also a big fan of tithing.

Administration I'm good at administration. As in, I'm good with details, order, procedure, managing projects, etc.

Social Justice I think God calls us to respond to injustice in the world. What does that have to do with me? Well, I'm trying to figure that out...

Fundamentalism: Well-put Brian McLaren!

"Fundamentalist religious movements...take words spoken five hundred or fourteen hundred or two thousand or fourteen hundred years ago and apply them, sharia-style, asa if they were intended to serve as today's annotated legal code, todays' constitution, today's how-to manual. They underestimate how the original words and teachings were situated--how deeply their sacred texts were rooted in gritty contemporary problems and human social contexts; instead, they see their sacred texts as timeless, placeless utterances coming from an arid, Platonic plane of universal abstractions.

And these fundamentalist movements also underestimate how equally situated their own interpretations and applications are. They don't recognize how movements and countermovements swirl around sacred texts like currents in a river, or how those shifting currents influnece their interpretations and appliations at every turn."

Weaving

I keep trying to weave the strands of my life together into something--well, if not beautiful--at least functional. But they just seem to keep getting tangled up. Does that ever happen to you? I have more direction in life than I've ever had before, but right now, in this particular sliver of time, I feel more lost than ever.

The vocational bells have been ringing pretty loudly, but I'm not really sure what to do about them. I'm pretty sure that I want to write, but I'm not sure how to get to the point where I can make a living off of it. I know where I want to be, but I'm not sure how to get there and that's frustrating. My big-picture goal for now is just to finish grad school and deal with the details later.

I lost my job a few weeks ago, which has become both a huge relief and a huge stress. I need to work and make a living, but I'm scared to death of getting stuck in another job that I hate. I'm not qualified for anything but administrative work, but, given that all I really want to do is write and I can't take anything permanent until I finish grad school, I really just want to be a barista. Will that be enough to pay the bills? I doubt it. I'm not sure what to do. I've been half-heartedly applying for stuff that I really don't want because I have to since I'm trying to collect unemployment. Another long story that is boring, so I won't write about it. I kind of just want to not work and focus on school, but I need to be working because I get nothing done when I have too much free time. I'm supposed to be selling Mary Kay also, but there are a few more strings attached to that than I initally thought there would be, and really not much is happening with it, which is stressing me out. I'm trying to decide how much I want to keep pursuing it, if at all.

Additionally, I have tickets to go to the Philippines for a few weeks at the beginning of May, but it's a huge question mark whether I'm going or not. I need to decide soon. My flight right now basically needs to be pushed back, so I need to see if changing the flight is even possible. It's going to make finding a job pretty difficult too. I just don't know if I ought to go or not. I kind of want to, and I kind of don't. It would be a cool trip, but all the details of it are getting complicated.

It's just a lot right now. I feel overhwlemed.

I seem to be drawn to controversial topics lately, so today I'm going to write about EVOLUTION.

I think that evolution is the heliocentrism of the 20th century. Take a second to mentally unpack that sentence and you'll figure out my view pretty quickly. Before I can really dig into any discussion about Christians and evolution, I have to first mention another topic: Taking the Bible literally.

TAKING THE BIBLE LITERALLY

You can't always take the Bible literally. Here's why:

"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell" Matthew 5:29-30

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26

"So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. The chief priests picked up the coins and said, "It is against the law to put this into the treasury, since it is blood money." So they decided to use the money to buy the potter's field as a burial place for foreigners. That is why it has been called the Field of Blood to this day." Matthew 27:5-8

"With the reward he got for his wickedness, Judas bought a field; there he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out. Everyone in Jerusalem heard about this, so they called that field in their language Akeldama, that is, Field of Blood." Acts 1:18-19

There's all kinds of other instances, but those are just a few off the top of my head. You can't always take the Bible literally, but you can sometimes take it literally. That is a whole different topic, but what it boils down to is that the amount of the Bible you take literally (how you interpret scripture) is something you have to work out for yourself, with God, with your conscience, with careful study, etc. Now, out of context, you can use the Bible to justify anything, so I'm not in any way saying that all interpretations are equal. We must interpret responsibly. We must carefully study the scriptures ourselves and also look to our faith traditions and our spiritual leaders to help us. But my point is that everyone interprets the Bible at least a little bit differently and we just have to acknowlege and be respectful of that. Just because some people (or some denomination), interpret the Bible differently, does not necessarily make them heretics. Just be respectful and stop being arrogant. Stick to your convictions, but do so with humility. Acknowledge that you don't know everything and you are not always right. You'd think that this would be common sense, but I swear that some Christians just don't grasp this concept.

Moving on to evolution. Did God create the world ex nihilo (ie "out of nothing") in 6 days, 8000 or so years ago? I honestly don't know for certain. Do you? Do you really? I am not a scientist and I am in a fortunate position where I don't need to come down hard on one side of this debate or the other. But if you are a Christian and a scientist, you pretty much have to make a determination. I've heard arguments for each, but I've heard better arguments for evolution. Would it surprise you to know that there are a fair number of Bible-believing, Jesus-loving Christians that also wholeheartedly believe in evolution? (There is also a slightly lesser known group that don't believe in evolution but do believe that the earth is billions, not thousands of years old).

I am not, dear friends, trying to convince you to become evolutionists. I don't consider myself to be one, but I am open to that possibility. Here's the thing: the Bible is not a science text book. It was written thousands of years ago in a completely foreign culture. I'm not saying that it's not true, but truth and accuracy are different things. Here's the other thing: Thomas Aquinas stated that God wrote two books, scripture and nature and they cannot contradict each other. Think about that. If you are a Christian, you have to believe that God created the world and that he created the scripture. Therefore, if they seem to contradict each other, the problem is with our understanding of one or the other. If you choose to ignore the evidence that evolution occurred (and there is evidence), that's fine. But you aren't necessarily being more holy. You are just putting your understanding of scripture above your understanding of nature. I don't think that the Christian who decides to agree with the evidence for evolution and re-examine his understanding of scripture is doing anything wrong either.

Why do Christians react so strongy to evolution? I mean, who really cares how we formed thousands (billions, whatever) years ago? How does that really affect our present reality? Well, number one, it shakes up our understanding of scripture and that's difficult. But it's good because anything that's worth believing in is worth questioning so that you come out stronger on the otherside. Number two, we do have a real problem if such a theory can disprove the existence of God. It can't. Trust me, they are not mutually exclusive. Don't be afraid of evolution. By all means, disagree with it if you must, but don't fear it. It can't hurt you.

Finally, because evolution has been used as a weapon by atheists against Christians, wouldn't it be better to neutralize it rather than continually fighting against it (and no offense, come across looking like idiots while doing so)? Instead of responding to "there is no God because there is evolution" with "WRONG. There is no evolution because there is God," say instead, "actually plenty of people believe in both God and evolution and here is why..." See? Completely neutralizes a pointless argument so that the discussion can become more productive. I just wonder, why do we so often insist on our own narrow view of things that don't really matter much theologically, even after those things have become a serious stumbling block to other people coming to Christ? People think that Christians are arrogant and narrow-minded. Those are not good things to be. Stick to your beliefs, but do it with humility. Things would be so very different if we could start doing that. All I'm asking is that you please think about it.

Universalism

I’m supposed to be doing homework, and instead I’m going to rant because I’m frustrated. As research for a paper I’m supposed to write relating to Christianity and other religions, I looked up this quote from The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis. The quote is from a section at the end of the book where Aslan the lion (who represents Christ in the series) is speaking to a man who has spent this whole life serving a false god, or devil-figure, named Tash. That should be enough background. Here’s the quote:

Thou and Tash are one? The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been, but I was quite shocked that pulling up this quote also pulled up a bunch of blogs and articles condemning Lewis for being a universalist and a heretic. One website in particular (http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Wolves/cs_lewis-exposed.htm) criticizes Lewis for smoking a pipe and drinking in a pub and believing in purgatory. It says he is “teaching damnable false doctrine” and calls him a “dangerous false teacher.” Now, just so you know my bias on the subject, I’m a pretty unashamed Lewis fan. In fact, he typically makes my top five list of heroes and my mom had pretty much every book he ever wrote lying around our house growing up (not that I read them all, but you get the idea). Anyway, that's all to say, I’m somewhat biased, but that doesn’t mean I agree with Lewis on every theological point so I think I can at least strive for objectivity in my response to this. Actually, this is not intended to be a defense of Lewis at all, but I do want to respond to the universalism charge because it’s a legitimate concern, but I think severely misguided.

Universalism, by my best understanding, is the idea that all roads lead to heaven. That is, all religions are legitimate and all faiths are equal. This notion is contradicted by scripture, which says salvation is found in Christ alone. With this, I agree, as I think would Lewis. But what is salvation? Now I’m going to digress and tell you a little personal story, but will eventually lead us back, I hope, to the topic at hand.

I accepted Christ (was “born again,” “got saved,” or whatever term of Christian jargon you prefer) when I was about six years old. In my six-year-old understanding, accepting Christ meant acknowledging that I was a sinner and that Jesus died to pay the price for my sins. Once I accepted this and asked for his forgiveness, he would come into my heart, and I would go to heaven when I die. Now, none of this understanding is fundamentally wrong, and I still essentially agree with it today, but I think it is both overly simplistic, and overly complicated. Let me see if I can better explain what I mean by continuing my story.

As a teenager, I had a pretty severe crisis of faith, the root of which was doubt in my own salvation. I knew the decision that I had made as a child and had been told that my decision would save me, but gradually, it didn’t seem like enough. In reading the scripture, I read about being saved by grace through faith, but I also read seemingly contradictory statements that implied that it is our actions that denote us as children of God. (Case in point, Paul says that Abraham was justified by faith, and James says he was justified by works. To me, the Bible seemed full of “contradictions” like that). So I was a pretty good little Christian teenager, but I was still a sinner and I began to wonder, am I truly saved? How do I know that praying that prayer as a child is enough? And this sent me into about a year of depression and some pretty intense soul-searching. I scoured the Bible and I begged God for answers to my questions and I didn’t find any.

Gradually, I came out of my depression and my doubt ebbed away. In fact, I’ve never seriously doubted my salvation since. The oddest thing about this is that I never found the answer to the question of what salvation is. The truth, as I’ve come to realize, is that my fears were allayed, not with a doctrinal solution, but with the presence of God himself. In going through that period of depression, God became real to me in a way that he never had been before. My salvation did not and does not rest on praying that “sinners prayer,” on asking God to save me, on walking faithfully with him since, on my own faith in Jesus, or on countless other tenants of traditional salvation that we are taught. My salvation comes from Christ alone. It is God who saves. It is Jesus who paid the price. Nothing I can do will save me. Therefore, there is no assurance except that which comes from God himself. If you try to have faith in your doctrinal notions of salvation, they were utterly fail you. They are true, but they cannot save. They are just doctrines. It is God who saves. I cannot emphasize that enough. Does it make sense what I’m saying?

Now, back to C.S. Lewis and the notion of universalism. I am in no way trying to say that all roads lead to heaven, but I do believe that since it is God who saves and not a doctrine, it could very well be true that he could choose to save a Tash-follower who was ultimately seeking and serving Aslan even though he didn’t know it. I think this notion is very much in keeping with the just and merciful God that the Bible describes. In fact, look in Matthew 25 at the parable of the sheep and the goats, which I think supports this idea.

The website condemning C.S. Lewis as heretical that I cited above says, “there is only one true gospel, and that is salvation through repentance and faith in the blood of Jesus Christ.” I agree with this statement, but in the context of the website, it worries me. I think we’re making a god out of our salvation doctrine and worshipping it instead of Christ. Christ does ask us to repent and have faith in his blood, but that is not why we are saved; we are saved because Christ saves us. End of story.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way and call me a heretic. If you do disagree, I’d like to hear your concerns so maybe I can explain myself better than I have.

Eat it

I like to read the comments that people leave in response to online news articles and editorials because they help me to feel like I’m in touch with real, uncensored opinions on these subjects. Lately, I’ve been sensing an attitude of real hostility towards Christians that I find alarming. I wonder what the Christian response to such negative attitudes ought to be. I know that we’re viewed as intolerant, ignorant, irrational, and archaic. The Bible does teach us to expect persecution and to rejoice in it. Peter wrote to early Christians, “do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed” (I Peter 4:12-14a, NIV). However, I wonder if the suffering that American Christians have to face is what Peter had in mind. If we’re persecuted because we are spreading hatred, are greedy, are careless about the environment, or fail to advocate for the poor, is that the kind of suffering that we should rejoice in?

In Mountains Beyond Mountains, Tracy Kidder (2003) wrote about a friend of Dr. Paul Farmer—a priest named Father Jack—who preached an untraditional gospel message that focused mostly on social action and less on the rigid moral guidelines that American evangelicals are so fond of touting. Father Jack ended up moving to Peru to work with the poor and dying because he contracted a multi-drug resistant form of tuberculosis (MDR). However, Father Jack’s death was certainly not in vain, since it alerted Farmer to the presence of MDR in that Peruvian community. This not only led to Farmer’s organization launching a successful campaign against MDR in Peru, but also to global action as Farmer and Jim Kim campaigned successfully for more awareness and better treatment worldwide. Father Jack’s death saved many lives in Peru and is continuing to save lives all of over the world. Father Jack was living out the gospel by giving his life over to the poor and the sick. He was killed by disease, an enemy of human life. I think this makes him a martyr, and his kind of suffering is a kind in which Christians ought to rejoice.

When Jim Kim faced frustrations working in Peru, Farmer told him “remember, serving the poor in Carabayllo is more important than soothing your own ego. It’s called eating shit for the poor” (p.131). All Christians are called to eat shit for the poor, but the irony is that many Christians would get too hung up on the offensiveness of the word “shit” to even stop and think about what this phrase should mean for them. I think this attitude represents a lot of what is wrong with American Christianity; we have become so focused getting people to agree with our version of morality and salvation that we ignore the bigger picture of caring for others. This skewed focus is at least one of the reasons that we are faced with hostility in America. James wrote “religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world” (James 1:27, NIV). American Evangelicals have been very focused on the last half of this verse, but what about the first half? What about the millions of African children who have been orphaned by AIDS? Moral guidelines are important, but so is practical action.

People like Paul Farmer and Jim Kim are living out Jesus’ example of unselfishly caring for the poor and the sick. They may have faith of sorts, but they certainly aren’t professing evangelical Christians. The irony, of course, is that many people who are professing evangelical Christians will look at these two men and will not be able to get past the fact that they are not living by “Christian” lifestyle norms. Jesus said “whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40, NIV), which implies that in serving others, people may be serving Jesus even if they do not know or acknowledge his name. Of course, for those of us who do acknowledge his name, the responsibility is even greater because we represent Jesus to the world, and we have no excuse for ignoring his commands. We may have to take secular criticism of the church seriously, and look to the Paul Farmers and Father Jacks of the world as examples. Christians can continue to avoid being polluted by the world, but they should also avoid unnecessarily polluting the environment. And we can continue to avoid saying the word “shit,” but we should also be willing to throw down our egos, take Farmer’s advice, and eat it for the poor.

Love and Marriage (go together like a...)

We just had Valentine's day, so what the heck, I'll be vulnerable...

I have this problem balancing my head and my heart. I have a feeling that it is either going to get me into real romantic trouble, or going to cause me to be single forever.

I always thought of myself as a little bit cynical in the love department. I don't think this comes from a lack of successful relationships--I think it's just my intensely practical, logical side coming out. I always said that I didn't believe in soulmates and that there is not one perfect person out there for you. I do believe that God has a plan and that if you are supposed to get married, he has someone that he intends you to be with. But it's not just click you find that person and it's perfect. People fall out of love everyday. By the way, everyone should read Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages before getting married. Heck, everyone should read Gary Chapman, period. It seriously changed my life. But anyway, he is a marriage counselor, and he talks about those glorious "in love" feelings that give you butterflies. They wear off after a while and if you're not solid and committed to working on your marriage, well, that's the point where some people lose interest and go off and seek other people. That approach, at least the way that I often describe it, sounds really unromantic. But let's face facts. Something like 50% of marriages end in divorce. How do you avoid that and have a happy one? I think Chapman is on to something, which is why I take him seriously. If I ever do get married, I intend it to be permanent, so I have to bring that element of practicality into it. I have to.

All of that said, I'm afraid that I'm a little more of a romantic idealist than I thought before. I'm not sure if I can be a practical cynic and a romantic idealist at the same time, but I'm certainly going to try. See here's my thing: I want to be crazy about the guy that I'm with. I want to be madly in love. I want to be so in love that it would be devastating if it ends. I'm amazed now that I can actually say that because it did end, and it was devastating--moreso than I ever anticipated. And maybe I regret a lot of it, but not the being in love part. That wasn't fake, and I'm not willing to get into something again until I at least feel that much if not more. Wow, and the chapmanesque side of me says that those were just feelings that never would not have naturally lasted anyway. If I can find a nice guy now, who I like and could learn to love, who is decent and good and cares about me, I have just as much chance at a happy marriage as anyone. And the kicker is that I totally believe that! I mean, if arranged marriages can work, then the scenario that I described above can certainly work. I just don't want it. If I JUST wanted to be married and that was the goal (and that is a fine goal, and there is nothing wrong with that goal) I think I would go there. There are more important things than sexual attraction. Committment, support, a Christ-centered relationship, shared values. But I'm not going to go there. Beause don't JUST want to be married. I don't want it at all if I can't HAVE it all. Being single is too great to give up without being compelled. Without caring so much that you just can't help it, can't not be with them. And you know what, that's OKAY. Being alone forever is OKAY. Jesus said, "whoever can accept this should" (rough quote). Paul said that he wished all men could be single as he is and that those who decide to marry do well, but those who decide not to do better. I'm not doing anything wrong.

I'm not committing myself to a lifetime of singleness. I'd like to be with someone. I'd love to be married. I think I'd be good at being married, and I've been praying for a while for someone who will be a partner to me. God understands what I mean by that, even if you don't. But I'm hyper-demanding because I don't just want the person who is my best friend, equally committed to serving God, and has all those qualities that I think are important, etc. I also want chemistry. Lots of it.

So here's to another Valentine's Day alone. Here's to loving being single and never never settling.

Sea Change

I'm at the SPU library trying to get homework done. It's one of the only places I can really settle in and work. It's just very pleasant. I very much miss working here and going to school here.

I'm supposed to be doing homework, but as I was walking through campus, I was completely captivated by a quote on one of the banners: "So hope for a great sea-change on the far side of revenge. / Believe that a further shore is reachable from here." -Seamus Heaney. SPU's motto is "Engaging the Culture and Changing the World," so most of these banners have something to do with that. It's corny, I know. We made fun of it when we went to school here, but it's had a pretty profound impact on my life. One of my favorite quotes of late (it's on my facebook along, now, with Heaney) is

"You see things, and say why? But I dream things that never were, and I say why not?"
~George Bernard Shaw

There's something about this that really captures the imagination. Why not dream about how to change the world? I love sea-change because it's so poetic, but has a lot of meaning too. "Suffer a sea change into something rich and strange." Of course, that is Shakespeare, from The Tempest. Sorry, I apologize for getting all literary, but that's kind of the way my brain works (years of English-major training). The play is about a ship wreck, and sea change in the nautical sense can be a dangerous violent thing. But change can be good also, especially when we (as individuals or a society) desperately need it. And no I'm not really talking about Obama, but I guess it's undeniable that change is in the air. Anyway, I won't drone on any longer. Here's some more of Heaney's poem:


Human beings suffer,
they torture one another,
they get hurt and get hard.
No poem or play or song
can fully right a wrong
inflicted and endured.

The innocent in gaols
beat on their bars together.
A hunger-striker's father
stands in the graveyard dumb.
The police widow in veils
faints at the funeral home

History says, Don't hope
on this side of the grave.
But then, once in a lifetime
the longed for tidal wave
of justice can rise up,
and hope and history rhyme.

So hope for a great sea-change
on the far side of revenge.
Believe that a further shore
is reachable from here.
Believe in miracles
and cures and healing wells.

Call the miracle self-healing:
The utter self-revealing
double-take of feeling.
if there's fire on the mountain
or lightning and storm
and a god speaks from the sky.

That means someone is hearing
the outcry and the birth-cry
of new life at its term.

-From The Cure at Troy

Will I live to write again?

Hopefully. I miss my college blog. I'm just not sure what I want blogging to look like in this post-college period of my life. I've toyed with the idea of having multiple blogs: one for friends, one for strangers so I can be anonymous, and maybe one on a certain topic. I want to write all the time, but I just don't have the time. So will I continue with this? I certainly hope so.