Weaving

I keep trying to weave the strands of my life together into something--well, if not beautiful--at least functional. But they just seem to keep getting tangled up. Does that ever happen to you? I have more direction in life than I've ever had before, but right now, in this particular sliver of time, I feel more lost than ever.

The vocational bells have been ringing pretty loudly, but I'm not really sure what to do about them. I'm pretty sure that I want to write, but I'm not sure how to get to the point where I can make a living off of it. I know where I want to be, but I'm not sure how to get there and that's frustrating. My big-picture goal for now is just to finish grad school and deal with the details later.

I lost my job a few weeks ago, which has become both a huge relief and a huge stress. I need to work and make a living, but I'm scared to death of getting stuck in another job that I hate. I'm not qualified for anything but administrative work, but, given that all I really want to do is write and I can't take anything permanent until I finish grad school, I really just want to be a barista. Will that be enough to pay the bills? I doubt it. I'm not sure what to do. I've been half-heartedly applying for stuff that I really don't want because I have to since I'm trying to collect unemployment. Another long story that is boring, so I won't write about it. I kind of just want to not work and focus on school, but I need to be working because I get nothing done when I have too much free time. I'm supposed to be selling Mary Kay also, but there are a few more strings attached to that than I initally thought there would be, and really not much is happening with it, which is stressing me out. I'm trying to decide how much I want to keep pursuing it, if at all.

Additionally, I have tickets to go to the Philippines for a few weeks at the beginning of May, but it's a huge question mark whether I'm going or not. I need to decide soon. My flight right now basically needs to be pushed back, so I need to see if changing the flight is even possible. It's going to make finding a job pretty difficult too. I just don't know if I ought to go or not. I kind of want to, and I kind of don't. It would be a cool trip, but all the details of it are getting complicated.

It's just a lot right now. I feel overhwlemed.